...i could disect you

its been so long since i've blogged, and i come here and i read my last few entries and i remeber that pain, the fucking deep razor blade soaked in acid, set on fire and tearing through me pain, and it brings me right back to the place and the day and all the shit i've been trying to forget.

because i don't WANT to hate you.
yes, everything's good and back to normal and i act like im over it, but you cant just fucking get past being hurt so bad, you cant get past the hysterical laughing and crying and then laughing again phased memories of then and you cant get back the fucking words you shoved through my ears and down my throat and made me ingest this future i had to imagine without you.


what the fuck do i get out of all this?
i cant help but feel like the life i have with you is the life im SUPPOSED to live.
i love you, even if i shouldn't.
i'm sorry for always wanting to be touching you, and putting my hands around your face and loving you and telling you so.
im drawn to you.
even if you hurt me and push me away half the time i cant NOT have you.
this isn't meant to be mean, this isnt aimed to hurt you.
i just need to fucking get out of my own mind.
i need to have a carbon copy of myself who wont turn what im saying into what they thinnk im saying.
im sorry im sorry im sorry i love you.

i want to fucking tear this skin from my limbs and stuff your pillows with it.
i want to bleach my insides and start this life all over and fucking go somewhere new where noone knows me and i can just be fucking ok.
you have no fucking idea how enraged i am right now, i could rip a thousand heads off and feel no remorse right now.
you shouldnt have the power to do this to me.
ive become filled with such angst and cynicism.


these are your good years.

i have such a  mixed emotion right now...

i dont want togive this up, this is the life i know, and the life i love living.

ive been so devoted to you, and you find the smallest ounce to become jealous over.

if i wanted someone else i wouldnt be waiting for you like this, i wouldnt keep trying.

i keep listening t oour songs and the songs that remind me of you, and it makes me sad, and it gives me hope, but im just so damn worried.

you're the only person ive ever let in like this, and the only person who could make me feel this way.

why can you read me like noone else? we'll make them so jealous.

you're still my love.

 

 

just please dont be wasting my time.

 

im willing to give you all the time in the fucking world, but i cant sit around for you if it isnt going to go anywhere.

you know i'd crawl through hell for you and roll myself in broken glass, and you still dont think im worth it.

the life we've made together and all of our fuckinhg plans cant just go down the drain over some bullshit phase...

if were "on a break" it means we arent really broken up...but at the same time it means we arent really together... so i dont even know....

god bless our love, and dont let this be a waste.

you cant hold me and kiss me and then explain why we cant be together.

how badly, i want to make you angry and jealous and show you what you had.

 

the blowers daughter-by damien rice

"
And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?

I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...
My mind...my mind...
'Til I find somebody new"

 

but i dont want any one new,josh.

youre the only person i want to be happy with.

why do you have to make it so fucking complicated?

 

 

gay is not a synonym for shitty.

"I've loved everything about you that hurts,
So let me see your moves,
Let me see your moves,
Lips pressed close to mine
True Blue, but the prince of any failing empire knows that
Everybody wants
Everybody wants to drive on through the night,
If it's the drive back home

Things aren't the same anymore,
Some nights it gets so bad that I almost pick up the phone
Trade Baby Blues, for Wide-Eyed Browns
I sleep with your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes
I know it's strange
It's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you
I'm supposed to love you

I've already given up on myself twice
{But the} third time is the charm,
Third time is the charm
Threw caution to the wind,
But I've got a lousy arm,
And I've traced your shadows on the wall
Now I kiss them whenever I'm down,
Whenever I'm down
{Just kind of} figured on
Not figuring myself out

Things aren't the same anymore,
Some nights it gets so bad that I almost pick up the phone
Trade Baby Blues, for Wide-Eyed Browns
I sleep with your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes
I know it's strange
It's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you
I'm supposed to love you

I was born under a bad sign,
But you saved my life
That night on the roof of your hotel
"Cross my heart and hope to die,
Splinter from the headboard in my eye"
Photo-proofed kisses I remember so well

Trade Baby Blues, for Wide-Eyed Browns
I sleep with your old shirts
And walk through this house in your shoes
I know it's strange
It's a strange way of saying that I know I'm supposed to love you
I'm supposed to love you"

i dont even know what to fucking say,

i cant ever trust again.

you've ruinded me and i fucking cant stand you.

but when i saw you in person today i fell for you again and i cant fucking belive it.

youre so ignorant and impared,

i want to string you up and watch you suffer like i am,

but i know id jsut kiss all of your bruises,

 i cant fucking handle this.

why wont i let myself move on?

why cant i just see you for the piece of shit you are,

i do i want to keep putting myself through this?

i cant begin to describe how discusting and i dirty i feel for being with you.

im so irritated with myself for ever doing anything with/to you.

in the end, youll be the one who's hurt the most.

ill be just fine, babyboy, you wait and see.

count how many offers you've had compared to mine.

have my favorite hate songs on repeat.

ive been through worse, and we know im strong, but i know youre fucking weak.

 

i cant sleep and i cant eat and im not sad, im fucking infuriated that i was this blind, this stupid.

my body's only telling me i want water. everything else is refused. i feel like my ribs are collapsing, but i dont give a shit.

ive become such an unhappy person, and i hate you for it.

ill be just fine, ill be just fucking fine.

 

who was it that waited on you hand and foot and gave you back rubs whenever you asked and dropped whatever i had going on to make you happy?

who was it that bought you beer and chew and food and drinks and gace up everything for you?

who was it that made you food and sandwiches and cookies and a birthday cake from scratch?

who was it that changed their whole life for you and did whatever it took to make you happy?

who was it that stayed up late and made you homemade chickennoodle soup when you got sick and ditched school and risked my family's trust for you?

it was all fucking me.

and now who is it thats hurting?

 

i cant be your friend and i wont be.

we were never friends before and we wont be now.

im all youve ever wanted, what all the other girls all promised.

and youre stupid enough to let it go.

i pity you.

 

i want you to  hurt, so fucking bad.

 

we had the relationship everyone wanted, all of our friends were jealous.

you had 15 fucking years  to "experiment" before you met me.

you were single for OVER A YEAR before we got together.

do you not remeber how bad it sucks to not have someone?

you'll learn what its like to miss me.

you'll understand why im so fucking angry and hurt and betrayed.

 

i did EVERYTHING for you, and everyone knows it.

everybody keeps telling me about how stupid you are for this.

 

you need me.

i dont know what to do with myself.

i just keep listening to our song and looking at our pictures, and im not ok.

i want to lay down and die.

ive never felt so much fucking pain.

im bawlling and im hysteric and i cant get a grip.

 

why the fuck did you do this to me?

what didnt i give?

 

sorry for the thousands of times i sucked yr dick when i didnt even want to, and wasting my virginity and firsts on you and everything. fuck. i cant belive after all this time you could do this to me. FUCK.

 

i hate all the seasons, because they all remind me of you and ive spent every damn one of them with you.

i cant stop throwing up.

im so fucking hysterical right now, and you dont even give a shit.

 

i cant talk to you.

i need you to know what its like to miss me.

i need you to learn how it feels to have everything taken away in an instant.

i dont even fucking know how im going to bring this up to my mom...

i dont know if i want to...

idk im just so fucking upset.

 

got up to make myself puke and saw last nights conversations floating and sinking right in front of me in that fucking porcelin bowl. 

 

i want nothing more than for you to hurt as much as i am

and realize everything youve fucked up. i did everything for you and gave up my whole fucking life to make you happy, and now im worse off than where i started, i dont have you i dont have a best friend i dont have fucking anything. it doesnt matter that im the one who broke up with you, youre the one who WANTED it. ive put so much time energy money and strain into this relationship and you and yr fucking  family and now im no where. i have nobody i have nothing. and i hate myself because i know i'd take you ack in a heartbeat. and i hate myself because i told myself all along this would happen to me and i beLIEved what yousaid when i knew better than that and told myself only the stupid girls who get heartbroken beLIEved in guys like you. and now im one of those stupid girls with nothing left inside. im numb to my own feeling but it stings just the same and im lost and have nowhere to go. i cant even turn to you now, the one person who was supposed to always be here for me.

have a great fuckin life.

 

 

 

all i want to do is ride bikes with you, and stay up late, and maybe spoon.

we kissed underwater and kissed in the waves on the beach while they  chased us and in tents and by fire pits and around everycorner where they couldnt see us and in the hottub and the shower and in sleeping bags and on my roof and on park benches and between your sheets and between your knees and in the theatre and in the rain at footall games and in the closet down stairs and behind yr couch and while laying on the grass i cried on your lap and you wiped the pain away with yr thumbs and i cant help but love you even after everything you've put my brain through.

 

7/27/07

all i wanna do is ride bikes with you and stay up late and watch cartoons.

this is my favorite song right now.

"Angels and Seagulls" by Kimya Dawson

The boat that we're sailing on can't stop in town
'cause the waves that the boat is on won't settle down
If this boat flips over and everyone drowns, well that's alright with me
That's alright with me

God's green pasture's not heaven to me
I'll spend forever deep down in the sea
Singing and swimming and being happy
Weightless and painless eternally

One grandpa's ashes and one's underground
One grandma's ashes and one's still around
If this boat flips over and everyone drowns, well that's alright with me
That's alright with me

God's green pasture's not heaven to me
I'll spend forever deep down in the sea
Singing and swimming and being happy
Weightless and painless eternally

I don't want to die alone, i am too proud
That you can tell me from the rest of the crowd
If this boat flips over and everyone drowns, well that's alright with me
That's alright with me

God's green pasture's not heaven to me
I'll spend forever deep down in the sea
Singing and swimming and being happy
Weightless and painless eternally

The angels and seagulls will ask themselves how
I've got my head in the crow's nest my feet starboard bough
And the ocean will say "well she's one of us now"
And i will be set free, i will be set free, i will be set free, i will be set free

 

 

its calms me down and makes me want to lay with you in a hammock.

i have nothing to say.

it used to be that i could only write if i were miserable but its the other way around these days.

i have nobody

im so scared right now i cant even describe im shakey and sweaty and goosebumpy and teary.

this is what ive amounted to in everything ive done for you the past year.

ive become almost desperate for my best friend...for her approval or for her to be obsessed with me again or i dont even know.          nothings how it used to be with her and i know it wont ever be. but i miss it. i was happy then. or maybe i just remember being happy... i try my damn best.

 

i've got a big mouth, but maybe you can handle shutting it up.

 

 

goodnight moon.

time flies, if only we could.
and we'd go so far from here and we wouldnt ever come back and we'd pick flowers and live off eachother's eyes.
while we slept at serenas i just layed over you and stared and kissed yr eyes and cheeks and nose and mouth and head but you slept still.

yr the only one i could ever be so honest with.




IMAVAMPIREIAMAVAMPIRE.

...she said, "i love you to death but you get on my nerves and i know im always on yours."

its smelling like summer outside these days, and the nights dont end here, so we just stay up and drive in cars on the same familiar roads from last july..and this year it wont be different, but it will cause i'll have you all summer long and we'll lay and burn and peel and tan just like every year before. and i'll be happy and so will you and i'll blog out the bad days and hit the delete link, as if it never happened at all......shhhh

 

we'll lay out in the sunshine and nap our way into august on the ferris wheel and over grades back to your bedroom where we've done the same things so many times but we'd both kill to keep you and me yours and mine, his and hers, repeat.

you were my first new years kiss and my first kiss of the new year.

route 4, back to your bedroom where we've done the same things so many times...

 

 

 

i need to go find a blank CD so i can show you the songs i've been listening to about you lately...

we found the cutest little place in the forrest the other day...someday i'll write you cute lines and better explain how you make me stutter when i wanna kiss on you.

im looking at cameras to buy so i can just always take pictures of/with you...

this stories going nowhere.

---i just wanna lay under the covers and kiss you on the mouth.